Tips To Build a Healthy Relationship For Starters

Category: Relationship Matters

 

No matter how long you have been dating, or how old you have been in the game of dating, beginning of every new relationships are tough, but can also determine how long the relationship would last.

Here are some tips to take along while you go into a new relationship:

1. Focus on the present, not the past

It’s natural to bring your fears and negative experiences to a new relationship; after all, it’s a survival mechanism to prevent getting your heart broken again. But even if old fears and insecurities may prevent heartbreak, they can also prevent you from truly being happy in a new relationship. For example, if a past partner was unfaithful, don’t distrust your new partner just because of what an ex-relationship was like. Focus on the qualities that make your new partner different. If they’re trustworthy enough to date, that means you should trust them.

Likewise, while the “dating history” conversation will be an important one eventually, don’t rush into it. Spend the first few dates getting to know your partner’s likes, dislikes, dreams, and personality traits, while they’re getting to know yours. There’s no need to explain what went wrong in your last relationship on the first date or find out about their dating past before you know the names of their siblings and where they grew up.

2. Talk about the future early on

While you shouldn’t focus on the past, you should focus on the future, at least somewhat. Of course, you may not need to discuss or ask how many kids they want on the first date, but you don’t want to wait until after one year of dating to find out that they never want to get married if marriage is a non-negotiable for you. It’s not always fun to talk about things like life goals, religion, marriage, politics, etc., but at least ensure that you both are on the same page, as soon as you start to see a future together. Also, whether you’re looking for a long-term relationship or are looking for more of a casual fling, communicate it.

3. Make sure you’re attracted to the person, not the idea of a relationship

Sometimes we want to be in a relationship so badly that we don’t even realize we’re more attracted to the idea of a relationship than the person we’re in a relationship with. If you’re so focused on finding Happily Ever After, you run the risk of pushing other people into boxes that they don’t belong in. You overlook flaws or red flags because your mind has already convinced yourself that this has to work. Instead, take your partner at face value. Assume they’re not The One. Would they still be someone you want to spend your time with? If you enjoy their company so much that you’d want to be with them whether or not they were “The One,” then you’re likely attracted to them, not just a relationship.

4. Talk about sex too!

This should go without saying, but if you’re not comfortable talking to your partner about sexual health, then you’re not ready to be intimate. Discuss your likes, dislikes, and what you are comfortable with, while listening to theirs without judgment. Note that, the “right time” to be intimate is different for every couple and remember that just one partner feeling ready is not enough.

5. Meet each other’s friends

Since the relationship is new, you may be tempted to keep it all to yourself. However, meeting friends early on is crucial. The way you interact with each other’s crew can give insight into your partner and what the relationship will be like. For example, if all of your partner’s friends are huge douches you would never get along with, you might not know your partner as well as you think you do. Likewise, having your new partner around your friends can illuminate potential red flags. Your friends might see something that you don’t, or your partner might not get along with them as well as you had hoped. If you both fit in seamlessly with each other’s group of friends, that establishes a mutual friendship, meaning you won’t have to choose between hanging out together or with friends when you all get along swimmingly.

6. Don’t have important conversations over text

Texting is a modern-day blessing when it comes to regular check-ins and sending funny memes to make your partner laugh while they’re at work. However, texting should not be used for anything deeper than making plans. Discussing your feelings for one another or getting in disagreements should always be done in person. Not only can texting make in-person feel awkward, but a lot can be lost in translation and cause more misunderstanding. If you feel an argument coming on and you’re in a situation where you can’t at least talk over the phone, let your partner know you’ll discuss it when you can talk it through together.

7. Be yourself
Be honest and upfront with your likes, dislikes, and who you are. Not only will it save you time and heartbreak with the people who aren’t a good match, but it will help the right person find you.

8. Actually enjoy it

Beginning of relationships are so special: the “new relationship bubble” has yet to pop, the honeymoon phase feels like it will last forever, and you’re smiling, like, all the time. It’s normal to feel scared or reluctant to be vulnerable when your heart is on the line. But no matter how scary a new relationship can feel, don’t forget to enjoy it. Notice all the little moments, try new things together, and make sure you’re having fun.

9. Don’t worry about labels
If ambiguity still lingers over where you two fall on the relationship scale, don’t panic. Different people have different timelines for when they feel ready to take each relationship step, so different timelines don’t necessarily mean you’re incompatible or that they don’t like you.

However, you should have clarity about whether or not you’re both seeing other people, and you should know if you’re on the same page in terms of keeping it casual or looking for something serious (always be open about what you want). But otherwise, the “girlfriend” label does not necessarily mean what it did back in kindergarten when it only meant “I like you,” so don’t sweat it if they haven’t popped the G-word yet. Oh, and if you run into that awkward introducing-them-but-don’t-know-how-to-refer-to-them situation, just call them by their name. You don’t need to clarify what they are to you, and it might cause a lot more confusion if you try to guess.

10. Red flags aren’t suggestions (and aren’t going to go away)

If you catch them in a lie, they’re rude to the waiter, or they say something mean about a friend, guess what: it’s not a “one-time thing,” and they’re not going to change. Red flags are gut feelings that are telling you something isn’t right, so listen to them. Ignoring red flags can only prolong the inevitable demise of a relationship and make the eventual breakup harder for both of you. Nobody’s perfect; you might judge your partner and they might make mistakes. If it’s simply a judgment or mistake, you’ll be able to talk it through. If it’s more of a gut-feeling that “this isn’t right,” or an inexcusable behavior more than a mistake, run!

11. Spend some time apart

A new relationship is incredibly exciting. So exciting, in fact, that it’s easy to get swept up in your life as a new couple and let the routines from your single life dwindle. Maybe you see your friends less often or spend less time on your hobby to spend more time with your new partner. Sure, it’s a great sign that you want to be together all the time, but spending all of your time together (and giving up your own independence and social life) could set you up for a relationship disaster. No matter what, make sure you don’t lose your friends or yourself. Avoid constantly texting or calling, and try your best to act like nothing has changed in your friendships (because it shouldn’t have!). You shouldn’t be looking for the person to share one life with; you’re looking for the person to share your life with.

12. Stop bringing up your ex

Especially if you were not the one to break off your last relationship, it’s natural to compare your new partner or new relationship to your old one. But remember how we’re supposed to leave the past in the past. Your new partner is not your ex, and they don’t want to keep hearing about your ex. Sure, you’ll need to have the “dating history” chat to understand each other better, but otherwise, is it really necessary to ever bring up an ex? No one wants to feel like they’re being measured against someone else, but it’s also destructive to compare your relationship to past experiences, instead of enjoying it for what it is.

13. Relationships aren’t 50/50–they’re 100/100

Some of the best relationship advice I’ve ever received is that relationships really aren’t all about compromise or trying for 50/50. Contrary to popular misconception, you can’t just contribute what you think is your share. For a happy, successful, long-lasting relationship, give all that you’re capable of and expect the same in return. Of course, conflicts will arise (and will arise even more the longer you’re together), but you both should be 100 percent in the relationship. You cannot split up relationship responsibilities like you split a check on a dinner date.
14. Communicate how you feel often

The start of a relationship can lay the foundation for the future, so pay particular attention to how you talk to each other and work through problems. If you’re unsure of the right communication tools to use in your disagreements with your partner, consider consulting a relationship therapist

Your friends should not always be your relationship sounding board. Of course, you should have a strong support system, but when you get in a disagreement with your partner, think of turning inward instead of outward to fix it. Talk it through with each other instead of immediately complaining to your friends. Your partner is not a mind reader, whether it comes to date nights or sex positions. Tell them what you want and create a perfect relationship instead of expecting a perfect person. 15. Actions matter more than words

Labels are one thing that everyone has different opinions on, but at the end of the day, you should know how they feel about you. It doesn’t matter if they’re promising to take you on vacation or that they want to introduce you to their parents if they’re not making consistent plans, making you feel special, and showing you how they feel about you (instead of just telling you). Confusion happens when actions aren’t matching words, so pay attention to what they’re doing instead of what they’re saying to find clarity. If they really do care about you, you won’t be confused. 

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